Very special episode with Josh, Drew and Ryan. And by very special I mean there's an episode. We talk Bioshock Infinite and other video games. Learn to hate Josh even more for his opinions.

--

This week's guests: Drew and Ryan

Download/Listen Now

“Hey Squiggs check this out.” A cop in the driver’s seat of a squad car taps his partner on the shoulder as they sit at an intersection. He points forward to a pedestrian crossing the street. He flips on the loudspeaker and grabs the walkie.

“Hopps don’t.” Squiggs laughingly tries to grab the walkie from his partner’s hands.

“Freeze citizen, this is the police!” Hopps’s voice blares over the squad car’s loud speaker. The man who had been peacefully crossing the street stops dead in his tracks and looks over to the car. “Yes you, please cooperate with my instructions so that we may keep you safe.” Squiggs sighs and tries to hold back his laughter as the pedestrian simply nods in terror.

“Good, that’s good.” Hopps smiles as the plan comes together in his mind. “Approach the vehicle slowly, and place your hands on the hood of the car.” The man slowly walks towards the squad car and places his hands on the hood. “That’s good, now keep your hands firmly on the hood, and.” Hopps can barely contain his laughter. “Dance!” The man looks up at the policeman confused. “I said dance!” He begrudgingly starts shaking his rear end to some imaginary music, his hands still glued to the hood of the car. Hopps switches the car into reverse and lets it slowly roll backwards. The man looks up from his booty shake in horror as he quickly steps forward and continues his dance. “Keep dancing! Good!” Hopps slams on the brakes and the booty shaking man slams into the stopped car. “Thank you for your cooperation citizen, you help us keep these streets clean of filth.”

Hopps flips off the loud speaker and puts the walkie back in its little holster on the dash. The light, which had been green for some time switches back to red. And the cop car pulls back up to the intersection.

“You’re an asshole man.” Squiggs punches Hopps in the shoulder.
“Yeah I know, but that shit was funny right?”

“Yeah a little I guess.”

“Car 349.” The radio kicks on with the dispatcher’s voice.

“Go for Car 349.” Squiggs grabs the radio.

“We’ve got a possible Domestic Disturbance, people have heard screaming and some kind of a ruckus.”

“We’re on it dispatch, send over the address and we’ll check it out.” Squiggs clicks the walkie and slides it back into place. On the computer between the two men, an address pops on screen and Hopps checks his directions and spins the car around kicking up smoke from the back tires as they squeal into life. The siren kicks on and cars quickly get out of the way of the rampaging squad car.

“Yeehaw muddafukkas!” Hopps screams out his window as he speeds down the road towards the call.

“Think we’re gonna get to lay the beat down on some hillbilly trash wife beater asshole son bitch cock burglar jackass fuck head jerk off peasant fuck?” Squiggs grips his nightstick.

“Oh god I hope so.” Hopps turns a corner and the car drifts through the open intersection. The car’s GPS dings as they near the destination and Hopps slams on the brakes. The car slides to a halt and Squiggs grabs his jacket and almost jumps out of the car. Hopps flips the car into park and turns it off. He gets out and follows Squiggs to the door of the home they’d been called to.

“Hello is anyone home?” Squiggs knocks on the door. “It’s the police, we’ve had reports of screaming coming from in there.” Squiggs knocks again, and a man opens the door.

“Hello?” He says as he cracks the door.

“Hello sir we’ve heard reports of screams coming from inside the house.” Hopps states very calmly, trying to deduce if the man seems the type.

“No screaming sir.” He replies.

“Well would you mind if we came in and had a look just to make sure?” Squiggs asks with a smile on his face.

“Sure go ahead officers.” The man opens the door wide and steps inside.

“Thank you” Squiggs says as he follows Hopps into the home. The two enter the home and walk slowly through, inspecting every nook and cranny. “So you haven’t heard any screaming at all? Maybe it was one of your neighbors?”

“Haven’t heard a thing, sorry officers.” The man walks into his kitchen where a woman sits in silence.

“Ma’am are you alright?” Hopps asks as he approaches the woman.

“I’m okay really.” She looks up at Hopps in a terrifying silence. She pauses and looks from Hopps’s eyes up to the man, then back at Hopps. Hopps smiles and looks up at the man, whose eyes had turned black, and he has gained a mouth full of fangs.

“Sir?” Hopps asks as he stands back up.

“He’s a demon!” The woman shouts as the man charges at Hopps screeching. The woman ducks under the table as Hopps is thrown against a wall by the man. Squiggs pulls out his nightstick and slams it hard into the man’s temple. He recoils from the hit only momentarily then continues to slowly approach Squiggs, who hits him again and again across the temple.

The demon grabs Squiggs by the throat and lifts him off the ground with one hand. With his other hand he starts scratching Squiggs’s arm wide open with his claws. Squiggs lets out a scream in agony. Gunshots ring out as Hopps fires five shots into the man’s chest. He falls to the ground.

“Go to hell.” Hopps smiles through bloodied teeth. “That was good right Squiggs?” He pats Squiggs on the shoulder and both of them wince in pain.

“I hate you.” Squiggs laughs through the pain. A scream bursts through the near silence as the demon gets up, bloodied chest and all and grabs for Hopps, who dodges the clawed hand. Squiggs backs away and looks to the woman. “Salt and silver!?” She questions for a moment and then points to the counter. Squiggs grabs a box of salt and opens a silverware drawer looking for something made of pure silver. Hopps hits the demon across the face and gets thrown against a wall again. The demon turns to face Squiggs, who throws a handful of salt at the demon who screams in pain. As it recoils, Squiggs grabs the knife he determined was hopefully pure silver and shoves it into the demon’s chest. He screams out and falls to the ground.

“I guess you needed to get some.” Squiggs pauses as Hopps gets back up coughing blood. “Excorcise.”

“I liked mine better.” Hopps starts walking towards the door.

“I win cause I actually killed it.”

“Lucky guess.” Hopps smiles as he kicks the door open and heads back to the car.

“Watch out!” A man screams and points towards the edges of the city, where the ocean tide was coming in higher than usual. “Cthulhu has arisen!” People throughout the coastal city scatter as the beast emerges from the deep. As his head, covered in tentacles and barnacles breaches the surface of the water, his eyes shimmer in the morning sun.

Cthulhu reaches out a massive hand, still dripping from the sea water that it had so long been drenched in. Several people trying to flee are stopped cold as Cthulhu takes hold of their minds.

“Jerry, what are you doing!? We have to go!” One man turns back to his friend, who simply stands now, silent and still. “Jerry come on!” He goes back to see what’s wrong, and his friend Jerry, along with all the other people caught in Cthulhu’s grasp begin attacking nearby civilians. The begin punching, biting, and tackling people, screaming gibberish as they do.

“NOT SO FAST CITIZENS!” A booming voice can be heard over the panic. A man in a bright red uniform comes out of the sky and lands with a massive shockwave in the sand of the beach. As the sand settles, the people who had turned on their friends came to their senses and stopped. “YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE LORD OF INSANITY, FOR I AM CAPTAIN SANITY!” The man screams at the massive beast who is still slowly approaching the shore. “OKAY SO MAYBE YOU HAVE SOME POWER STILL, BUT CERTAINLY LESS NOW THAT I AM HERE!”

“Mister why are you screaming everything?” A little girl tugs on the man’s uniform holding a teddy bear.

“BECAUSE I’M EXCITED!” He grabs the little girl and shakes her to make his point. “NOW AWAY WITH YOU TINY CIVILIAN GIRL!” He puts the girl down, who runs away from him. Captain Sanity turns to face Cthulhu. He stands tall with his bright red uniform, and a large C on his chest. His face was covered everywhere except the eyes with a similar bright red material.

Cthulhu lets out a massive scream that shakes the very city. From the waves of the ocean emerge shambling corpses, hungry for flesh.

“OH GREAT ZOMBIES!” Captain Sanity smiles big, “I DO LOVE SOME ZOMBIES IN THE MORNIN’” He cracks his knuckles and kneels down. He gets into the sprinter’s stance and looks up at the approaching zombie horde. He lets out another smile and springs forward. As he approaches he zombies, he reaches out his right hand. He grabs the first zombie he gets to and throws it a great distance into the ocean. The catches two more with his fists and sends them skipping along the water like a child’s favorite stone.

He stops right at the edge of the water and waits as the zombies continue to shamble towards him. He reaches onto his back and pulls a large sword from it’s sheath. “OH LOOK WHAT I FOUND ZOMBIES, IT’S A FUCKING SWORD!” He raises the blade over his head and brings it down swiftly, cutting through two zombies with a single stroke. He unleashes a flurry of swings and cuts down half of the zombie horde. “SANITY WAVE” He yells as he reaches up with the sword and slams the blade into the sand. A shockwave emanates from his fist and flows past the zombies. They stop in their tracks, and after a moment they fall to the sand, dead once more.

Cthulhu reaches the shore and stares at Captain Sanity for a moment. Captain stares back, his steely gaze meeting The Ancient One’s. Cthulhu unleashes another massive scream, and Captain Sanity wipes some Cthulhu spit from his face as the shaking ceases.

“RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWR!” Captain Sanity screams back at Cthulhu. “I DO NOT FEAR YOU CTHULHU! FOR I HAVE THE SWORD AND SHIELD OF SANITY. FORGED HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO FROM A PIECE OF YOUR OWN CLAW, AND A SCALE OFF YOUR OWN BACK!” He reaches and pulls the shield from his back, and wields the sword menacingly at the massive beast. “AND WITH THESE TOOLS I WILL MAKE YOU FHTAGN ONCE MORE!”

Cthulhu swipes at Captain Sanity with one of his massive claws, and the Captain merely raises his shield. The claw bounces almost harmlessly off the shield as though the Elder God’s strength was that of a common human. Captain Sanity pushes off from the sand and flies up to Cthulhu’s face. He slashes with the sword and cuts deep across Cthulhu’s right eye. The beast swats at the Captain, catching him mid air and sending him spinning off over the ocean. Once the Captain regains balance he flies back to Cthulhu and lands on the back of his head. Cthulhu reaches for him but is swatted away with the sword.

“I SAID FHTAGN!” Captain Sanity reels back with the sword and brings it down into the neck of Cthulhu. The beast lets out a squeal and falls back several huge unwieldy steps as a bolt of lighting comes crashing out of the clear blue sky into the hilt of the sword and rushing through Cthulhu’s monstrous body. The Captain flies off of him as he backs into the water screaming.

Captain Sanity flies back to the beach and watches as Cthulhu sinks back into the ocean where he had come from. The little girl comes running up to the Captain.

“Mister you saved us.” She says with a smile on her face.

“I KNOW, ISN’T IT FREAKIN’ SWEET!” Captain Sanity grabs her again and shakes her. He puts the little girl down and she runs off screaming again. He shrugs and salutes the citizens as they approach to watch the creature sink back into the depths. “MY WORK HERE IS DONE, HAVE A GOOD DAY CITIZENS!” He bends his knees and takes off flying. “WHOOSH!”

Early in the morning a teenager is walking to school, through mostly empty neighborhood streets. Along the way a man is mowing his lawn and another is jogging while listening to some very questionable music. The boy adjusts the strap of his backpack over the shoulder of his signature orange hoody.

Ever since he had started walking to school in the third grade he had loved this neighborhood, it was odd that all his schools right up to his high school, had all been within walking distance, but then again some people just get lucky like that.

“Hey, you’re that Josh kid right?” A girl walks up behind the boy. “What’s everyone call you? Cheeze it or something?”

“Some people call me Cheeto, but yes my name is Josh.”

“We have third period together right? Algebra 2 with Mr. Dennistrof.” She starts walking beside Josh, holding the strap of her messenger bag with both hands.

“Yeah, that guy’s crazy.” Josh laughs, and so does the girl. “You’re Katie right?”

“That’d be me.” She does a fake curtsey while trying to keep pace with Josh.

“How’d you do on yesterday’s homework?” Josh asks as he thought back to the hour he spent on a single problem, only to realize he had somehow gotten the textbook upside down.

“Not too bad I think, just those last couple were a bit worrisome, you know?”

“Yeah they were a little weird, but once I figured out the new formulas he showed us they kind of fell into place.” Josh steps over a storm drain at the side of the road.

“Totally.” Katie smiles and looks to the road as a car passes by. “So what do you do outside being really good at math?”

“Normal stuff I guess-” Josh is interrupted as he trips over a rock and falls to the ground. He puts out his hands to catch himself and his palms hit the ground and slide a ways.

“Oh my god are you okay?” Katie yells as she runs forward to help Josh up. “Oh my god!” She looks down as Josh sits up, his hands covered in blood, but not normal blood. The thick liquid oozing from his wounds was bright blue, and the skin of his hands had fallen off almost like it was some kind of glove. Beneath was noticeably smooth, orange skin that had scratches on it from which the blue blood was emanating. “Oh my god!” Katie starts screaming and flailing her arms in a panic.

“CALM YOURSELF HUMAN FEMALE!” Josh yells as he stands up hurriedly and muffles her scream with his bleeding orange hand. Katie stops screaming and looks down disgusted at the bleeding, orange skinned hand that was over her open mouth. “I am gonna remove my hand, but you have to calm yourself.” Katie slowly nods. Josh removes his hand and wipes the blue blood and a little leftover skin on his jeans.

“Oh my god.” Katie looks on in horror.

“Yes I think we have covered that bit.” Josh sits down on the sidewalk and opens up his backpack, pulling out a thin metallic case.

“What are you?” Katie sits down a ways away from Josh, watching him open the case and pull out two syringes filled with glowing liquids.

“I’m not from Earth if that makes things easier for you.” Josh stabs the first syringe into his hand, and the he smiles as the pain dissipates.

“Not really, but okay,” Katie shudders as the needle goes into the palm of Josh’s hand. “So you’re an alien. Are you from Mars?”

“Don’t be naive.” Josh puts the empty needle back into the case. “Do I look like some backwoods hillbilly Martian scum to you?” Katie looks confused, but shakes her head. “My name is Eaoc, and I am from the planet Dvhl”

“Ay-oc? Dav-ahile?”

“Close enough I suppose.” Josh stabs the second syringe into the open wound. “I have been on Earth for many years. I am studying you humans.”

“You mean you’re not 14?”

“Not quite.” Josh removes the syringe and places it back into the case. He then snaps the case closed and puts it back into his backpack. “I am over 400 years old, and I have been stationed on Earth since the late 1700’s”

“Like Revolutionary War times?”

“Yes, I actually fought in that war.” Josh looks at the palm of his hands as the wound seal themselves and the human skin begins to come back as well. “Human technology is so quaint. I had never used something so inaccurate before firing a musket.”

“Why are you studying humans?” Katie rubs her temples trying to figure out what’s going on.

“Because humans are such an interesting race.” Josh stands up and wipes the dirt off his jeans. “It is so rare to see a civilization get so far advanced and still want to spend all their free time killing each other. But I really shouldn’t be late for class, I have to assimilate perfectly. I would ask you to please not tell anyone what I am, but that just hasn’t worked out in the past so here.” Josh touches his index finger to Katie’s forehead, and her eyes snap closed. Josh looks at the palm of his hand which is fully reskinned, and he removes his hand from her forehead. Katie’s eyes open and she looks a bit dazed for a second.

“Where am I?” She asks as she looks at Josh.

“We are on our way to school.” Josh points down the road towards school.

“Aren’t you in my third period class with Mr. Dennistrof” Katie shakes off the confused feeling and smiles.

“Yeah,” Josh smiles as they start walking again. “That guy’s crazy.”

“Totally.” 

“So the boss was askin’ me. Hey you whack that guy? And I’m all like yeah I whacked him, you told me to whack him didn’t ya?” Two men in slightly wrinkled suits walk along the street, dimly lit by the poorly maintained streetlights. A light rain bounced off the sidewalk around them as they sipped their coffee. “And he goes yeah I told you to whack him, but I was kinda hoping you’d do it outside or something, look at this mess.”

“You didn’t whack him in the bosses pool room!” The other guy looks shocked.

“In the heat of the moment I just forgot and had to deal with the situation, that cop was a feisty fucker, I’ll tell you that much.”

“So what did the boss do? Was he mad?” The turn round a corner and pause their conversation as a man on his cellphone walks past them. Once they are a safe distance away they continue.

“Well yeah he was mad, but that cop had the finger on Tony and Jared.” The first man makes a gun with his finger and shoots it. “The boss knows that I only did what I had to. That’s not to say I didn’t have to spend an hour or two wiping blood off the floor, but it’s better than what the boss has done to people for less.”

“Yeah I’d say you got off pretty light, I’d at least figure you’d lose a finger or something.” Another man approaches them and they pause their conversation again. This man stops in front of them though and holds up his hands to stop the two men.

“Hey guys, got a sec?” The man asks peacefully.

“Sure what’s up pal?” The first man sips from his coffee.

“You’re Marko Jones, and Adam Rejil right?”

“What of it?” The second man tenses up a bit, almost reaching for the uzi hidden under his jacket. The first man also prepares to reach for his pistol holstered just under his right arm.

“Just making sure, wouldn’t want any mistakes now, you understand.” The man smiles and punches the first man in the face, he falls back a couple steps and grabs at his mouth where some blood was pouring out. The second man pulls out his uzi and flips off the safety catch. The attacker grabs the hand holding the uzi, and slams it into a nearby light pole. The gun is dropped and Adam Rejil throws a big jab with his free hand, catching the attacker in the ribs. He backs up a few steps and Adam charges at him again. The attacker catches the man and uses his own momentum to throw him into a pile of garbage bags sitting on the sidewalk.

Marko Jones, having recovered from the initial attack, pulls out his pistol and aims it at the attacker, who is too far away to repeat his disarming movement.

“You are one stupid motherfuc-”

“Now.” The attacker whispers to himself, and Marko’s gun wielding hand hits the ground. He looks down at the hand still holding his gun lying on the ground. His bloody stump still pointed menacingly at the attacker.

The man screams for a moment, and the attacker muffles his mouth to prevent any needless noise from alerting nearby pedestrians. The attacker sits Marko down against a building and once the scream had diminished he moved his hand.

“What happened to my hand?” Marko asked coarsely, pointing his bloody stump at the hand on the ground.
“My sister happened, good job sister pants.” The attacker taps his in ear headset.

“Thanks bro, I thought I was a bit slow, but according to our friend Marko I was still fast enough to leave him wondering.” Marko can barely hear the voice coming through the headset.

“She cut off my hand?”

“She likes swords, what can I say?” The attacker shrugs, and off in some pitch black shadow, a woman holds back a giggle.

“But why would you two do this?” Marko is still looking down at his stump, then over to his hand

“Why!?” The attacker stands up and laughs. “Why? Because you kill people for a living that’s why. You work for a bad man, and he is just one of the many horrible, shitty individuals that infest this town, and I have had enough, we both have.”

“Are you gonna kill us?” Marko looks over to the still unconscious Adam.

“Not this time.”

“Ah, damn.” The voice in the attacker’s headset mutters.

“Like I was saying. Not this time, but I want to see some change out of the two of you. If you I check back and you are still working for one of any of the bad men in this town, it’s gonna end poorly for you and your buddy Adam.”

“Yeah bitch.” The headset voice comes on once again. The attacker sighs and leans down to speak to Marko.

“If you get to a hospital soon, that hand can be reattached, just tell them you fell.”

“Fell!?” Marko holds up the bloody stump.

“Into a sword?” The attacker shrugs. “Just be good, or we’ll be back, and you might not even know it until it’s too late.” The attacker turns around and starts walking away. Marko watches him as he passes by Adam who is starting to come to. The attacker gives him a swift kick in the ribs and he falls back into the trash. As the attacker rounds the corner out of sight, Marko let’s out a sigh. A blur appears in front of Marko and he is hit in the jaw by the butt of a sword.

“Bitch.” Marko hears the headset voice more clearly as the blur vanishes back into nothingness.

“Why are you so mean Sister?” Around the corner the attacker speaks into the headset as he hears Marko let out a pained yelp as the butt of the sword hits him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Bry Bry, I am nothing but nice, I left him alive didn’t I?”

“Not killing people doesn’t make you nice,” Brian walks along the dark street as his sister travels sight unseen around him. “You are still an asshole.”

“I’m telling mom!”

“Shut up.” Brian laughs as he taps a street light and whistles a tune.