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Newest Episode - CB 57 - Sad Jesus Cult

The Hitlist - Chapter 10 - A Rude Awakening

“Come out here!” The man yelled at the front of the church as the morning sun was rising over the bell tower. “If you don’t come out here, I’ll come in there, either way, you die.” He wore a bulletproof vest and was waving a shotgun in the air threateningly.

“Then stop yelling.” The man in his oversized clothing peered out of a second story window, rubbing sleep from his eyes. “And come on in.” He ducked inside to avoid the shotgun blast. “That wasn’t very nice!” He yelled back down as the man kicked in the front door. “And it wasn’t locked.” He sighed as he grabbed a sword from the stash next to his bed, as well as the the modified stun gun he liked so much. He slid the gun into a holster that hung loosely around his waist, and used the now free hand to grab a donut from a box on a nearby table. He stuffed it into his mouth enough to free up his hand and shift his beanie stuffing a loose strand of hair under the hat. He held the donut as he yawned, walking down the stairs.

“Hey Fry.” He said through half chewed donut. “You awake yet?”

“I am here, sorry I didn’t warn you. I do have to sleep some time.”

“Who is this fool? Should I be worried?”

“Is that a trick question?”

The man snorted back laughter. “Yeah, it was. But still, anyone I should know about?” He got down to the big central room, where the pews were still pushed aside from days prior.

“Let’s see here.” Fry’s voice was almost bored. “Eric something or other. He’s got some kills on his record. Mostly uninteresting stuff, as you would say. He got into some fights with some other hunters, and he came out on top. Nothing spectacular.”

“Nothing like that one, you mean.” The smile faded quickly as Eric came into view, looking intently at the stairs through the scope of the shotgun. “Who has a scope on a shotgun, really?” Eric, angered by the comment, fired several quick shots across the room, only to hit empty air. “Again, that wasn’t very nice.” The man’s voice was coming from the shadows cast on the edges of the room. “Can I help you, Mr. Eric Something or other?”

“You can help me by dying and forking up all your savings. What do you have now, millions of dollars? Tens of millions, and you ain’t doing shit with it, living in this beat up church.” Eric fired again at the darkness.

“MmphHrmph.” The darkness replied back. After a moment the man swallowed the remainder of the donut. “Sorry about that. Always hungry in the morning. I can assure you there is plenty in that savings, but unfortunately for you, it’s mine, and I can do with it as I please. I know, a confusing idea. But now that all that’s straightened out, let’s let bygones be bygones, and you can just leave me alone so I can go get breakfast.”

“I’ll leave as soon as you are a cold corpse, and no sooner.” Eric pointed around the room at all the places the other man could be hiding.

“Fry, I’m bored of talk, you keep our new friend company while I go dark.”

“If you say so.” Fry’s voice switched from the ear piece to the built in speaker of Eric’s Band. “Hello sir, I would warn you that this is a fruitless venture only like to end with you being beaten in some form, but I don’t think you care too much.”

“What’d you do with Stag?” Eric turned to his Band.

“Nothing, I can assure you, he simply cannot reach you right now. High powered signal disruptors will do that.”

“Do you actually fight?” Eric yelled into the darkness. “Come out of hiding and face me like a man!”

Eric stumbled backwards as the other man walked out of the nearest shadow. Before he could get a shot off, the man had already burst past him, sword held out in front of himself. The silent darkness taunted Eric as he winced at his arm where a long shallow gash was just now forming. He looked around but only saw thing rays of light coming through the large stained glass windows.

“I can assure you taunting him won’t help you.” Fry’s voice was filled with concern for Eric. He spat at the voice coming over his Band, and pulled a small flashlight from his pocket, clicking it on, and scanning the dim corners of the room.

“Look at that.” Eric laughed. “Flashlights are these wonderful devices created that shine light into the darkness. Kinda defeats your little game of hide and seek doesn’t it?” He scanned across the room, and the light finally illuminated the other man, who was crouching in a corner making a silly face. “Fuck you!” The shot emphasized Eric’s expletives as the area of light was peppered with buckshot.

“I think it would be very difficult to hit him with a shotgun, the spread makes it so very inaccurate.” Fry’s voice continued to grind at Eric’s nerves. Eric continued cursing as he reloaded his shotgun with shells from his pocket. The back of the sword made contact with his knee while he was halfway done putting shells into the gun. The man ran past as Eric fell to the floor clutching his leg. He quickly collected the remaining shells and loaded them.

“Fuck this.” Eric sat on the floor and poured shot after shot into every dark corner of the room. The last shot made contact with a countertop, several bags of chips sitting on it exploding, the shrapnel made of bits of chip and bag.

“That was probably a mistake.” Fry said as the other man walked right out of the darkness in front of Eric and unholstered his modified stun gun. Eric quickly tried to reload his shotgun, but the shot from the other man’s device came first, sending Eric onto the ground convulsing. After a moment he stopped shaking and lay quietly on the floor.

“He’s alive again. You made twenty-five thousand.” Fry’s voice was back in the other man’s ear.

“Yay for me.” He said calmly, reaching down and trying to pick up the other man by one arm. He struggled to lift his body off the ground and after a moment he gave up, walking into a back room and returning with a small flat cart. He slowly hoisted Eric onto it, patting him on the cheek once he was safely onto his new ride. He sheathed his sword and the stun gun, and walked out the door of the church, stopping to check the damage Eric’s kick had done. One of the two doors was only on one hinge, but still swung well enough to close. He closed it as best he could and continued down the street with his passenger.

“Okay, now call in a clean up crew to get this fool back to whatever he calls home.” The man dumped Eric into a side alley leaving the cart with him. “I’m gonna go get some breakfast.”

<-Previous Chapter - Next Chapter->

The Hitlist - Chapter 9 - Something Sinister

“This hospital is bigger than the last one.” Emily couldn’t stop looking around as they exited the elevator on the twentieth floor of the hospital.

“That means it’s full of people who know what they are doing.” Chris held onto her hand as they walked down the hall. Following the directions the receptionist had given them to the Chief of Medicine’s office. As they approached the large office at the end of the hallway, a nurse walked out of a nearby patient’s room, and smiled at them as he walked back towards the nurse’s station.

“Feel free to walk right in, she is expecting you.” The voice came over his band, but it was not Mouse’s.

“Hello?” Chris asked.

“I am Penny, her handler slash assistant slash receptionist slash whatever she requires.” The voice was female and friendly, if not slightly older sounding than the rest of the handlers Chris had heard.

“Ah, thank you.” Chris opened the door and across the large office was strewn with open books, medical journals, and reports.

“Have a seat.” The woman behind the desk, middle aged with a plain looking face and shoulder length black hair motioned to a chair across the desk from her. Chris approached the chair and found it in much the same state as the rest of the room. He picked up the pile of papers and carefully placed it on the floor in one of the only free spaces on the ground. “Sorry, I am busy these days. The hospital business is booming. Can’t complain though, always nice to see wounded people walking through those doors.” Chris gave her a look. “To be healed I mean. Sweetie just sit down anywhere.” She motioned apologetically to Emily who sat down on a stack of books. “I am Pestilence, and I haven’t decided whether you can call me Len yet. So you are the youngling who took down Jericho on what, your third day on the List?”

“Fourth, and I am not that young.”

“Oh don’t bother that.” She waved her hands with a cold smile on her face that made Chris uncomfortable. “I call everyone who hasn’t been on the List for over a year Youngling, keeps them from thinking they are special. But anyway, that one you took out was hunting several people I care about. As well, I hear he walked right into a civilian hospital and threatened multiple people when he wanted to hurt you. That gives you a plus in my book, which is why you are here. So, do you have her medical records?”

“Mouse.” Chris asked his Band, and the woman looked as a tablet on her desk vibrated.

“Ah, very good. So I know you, but I am sure you have only heard terrifying tales of me as some kind of psychopath.” She smiled as she put the tablet back down, scrolling through the files she had received lazily. “Unfortunately I can assure you they are.” She paused, enjoying Chris’s tension. “Quite true. I joined the list for a reason, and it’s not to make money, because I had all of this in my old life, just a different hospital, with different people under me.” She motioned at the office and the hospital as a whole. “No it was not for want of money that I joined, it was because I have a thirst. For blood, for vengeance, whichever.”


“A long story, and not one you are like to learn today.” She smiled that same cold smile. “Just know my patients are ever protected by that very notion that people have of me. And I am still a doctor, so I would never harm a patient. If you fear for the little one’s safety, this is the place. And Disease B? Easy to work with. I could work such wonders you wouldn’t believe. Sadly Disease B is still not curable, but that does not mean it can’t be managed well.” She glanced down at the tablet. “It looks like she went for a while with no treatment?”

“It’s not Chris’s fault, he was trying to pay for the treatments.” Emily said defensively, and Chris got a sheepish look on his face.

“Okay okay little one, I just wanted to make sure, it’s not a good thing to go without treatment, but with how expensive these particular treatments are, I can understand. So how was your last hospital?”

“It was nice, Mrs. Isabelle was nice, and I had a room with lots of windows. But then the big bad man showed up.”

“No big bad men here, trust me on that.” The look on her face brightened up a bit as she talked to Emily. “Do you like windows?” Emily nodded enthusiastically. “What do you like to see outside these windows?”

“Umm.” Emily thought for a moment. “I could almost see a little park from my room, that was nice.”

“A park?” Her smile widened. “I think I know just the room. Why don’t you two follow me. And Penny.” She stood up from her desk and started walking towards the door.

“Yes?” The voice came over the intercom in the room.

“Set up our new patient with a consult in the morning. Dr. Murphy should do well.” She led them out of the office. “You will be staying won’t you?” She asked Emily, who thought for a moment as they walked down the hall. As they entered the room, her face brightened up and she nodded vigorously. “I thought this room might work for you.”

Emily ran over to the floor to ceiling windows that covered one whole wall of the room. Outside it was complete darkness, but just below, across the street was a huge park with lit up paths and huge cement circles forming meeting spots dotted throughout. Even in the middle of the night, people could be seen far below walking the paths and sitting down in the central meeting areas. The park stretched on for many blocks and Emily was looking all the way down, searching for the end, but not able to find it.

“That is Memorial Park, it’s the biggest one in the city. You can go down there whenever your brother visits, or if you are able to talk your doctors or nurses into it.” Emily turned around smiling almost sinisterly. “Which will likely not be a problem for you.” She motioned for Chris to follow her back out into the hallway while Emily was still engrossed by the windows and the world beyond.

“Now onto the costs.” Pestilence looked almost apologetic. “You seem nice enough, and nice people rarely make enough money, even on the List. The monthly stipend will certainly not be enough for the treatments she needs, at least not here.”

“I won’t start killing people.” Chris said sternly, though his voice was filled with concern.

“I thought not, worry not, I may have an idea.” That cold piercing smile was back. “You have seen the tournaments yes?” Chris nodded. “Well as you may suspect, the winners make quite a sum, as well as the money you make for any technical kills you may accumulate along the way.”

“So you are saying I should enter the tournament.” Chris nodded.

“No, I am saying you should win the tournament. The one who runs the biggest and best tournaments is an old acquaintance of mine.”

“Old friend?”

“Friend, enemy, just labels right.” She continued. “Her name is War, and if you can do well in the tournaments I think you will be set for now on payments for this place. Tell her I sent you, that will carry some real weight, though whether it helps you or sinks you, who can know.” That smile again.

“Okay I’ll give it a try.”

“Very good. And one last question. You’ve met me now, are you afraid of me?”

“Well, you certainly have something about you.”

“Oh youngling, a lady could take that so many ways.” She pretended to blush shyly.

“But overall, you are certainly not as bad as Jericho. He was clearly driven by something sinister. You are more chaotic, you remind me a lot more of the stranger I fought, and I liked him well enough.”

“Who might this stranger be?” She asked curiously.

“I don’t know, we never really exchanged names. His handler was named Fry, that’s all I know about him.”

“Interesting.” The look on her face brightened by a degree of magnitude Chris had not expected.

“You know who it is don’t you?” She only nodded. “You’re not going to tell me are you?” She shook her head, the smile widening the whole time.

“Another story for another time. Maybe if you come back after winning the tournament I will find the time to tell you the name of this stranger. I think that will be quite the conversation. How did the fight go?”

“It was more of a duel, and I just barely won.”

“Interestinger.” She said as she handed Chris a folder with the information he needed to know about the tournaments, and headed back into the room to talk to Emily.


Chaos Buffering 57 - Sad Jesus Cult

This week Phil and Josh are joined by Nikon to discuss the internet as a whole. We also talk about home lives, gaming, and random strangers because that's a thing. Phil also tells of his trip to giant lizard religion land.


Hosts: Hilp, Phil, and Nikon.

Random Awesome of the Week:

Hilp: The DrunkKidsGaming Shirt by PetVet

Phil: His house after it was all fucking moved around. Or fresh fruit, or something.

Nikon: Pokemon Revolution and SaltyBet.

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Chaos Buffering 56 - Jesus is a Corndog

This week Phil and I catch up and discuss shitholes, human contact, and a theme park where the costumed mascots wandering around dress as Jesus. We also try and figure out how turtle smuggling works, and then a sex toy show and tell happens, for some reason.


Hosts: Hilp and Phil


Hilp: Non-natural hair colors

Phil: A sex toy or something

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The Dragon Class - Chapter 7

“Why is it, Mr. Lorick, that every time I see you, you have new injuries?” Professor Gordon asks as he stops his lecture.

“Well you see.” Leo chuckles as some of the students turn to look at him and some just laugh to themselves. “My party keeps wiping on the raid boss.” Leo expects the joke to confuse Professor Gordon enough for him to move on.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t be facetanking all the adds then.” Professor Gordon smiles and closes the book he had open. “Old people play video games too Mr. Lorick, just be careful with whatever it is you are doing in your spare time.”

“Yes sir.”

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